RNC: Talking smack to the Pigs

from infoshop, 16 September 2008:

Let's be honest: the RNC was kinda rough for both of us. Sure, we each had our shining moments — captured for posterity on the local network news — but at the end of the day, neither of us really got what we wanted.

You really nailed us with that undercover stuff. Most of those felonies won't stick, but man, is it ever going to be pain in the ass to sort it all out. Luckily, those who got nabbed have a dedicated network of emotional and logistical supporters working around the clock for them. Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll incorporate such friendships into your pension, but we doubt it. One of y'all stepped on someone's head with a horse and another sprayed high-pressure pepper gas into an incapacitated dude's eyes. Not a way to make friends, but that's keeping it pretty real for fascism.

For our part, we managed to fuck up your financial district pretty good, with a handful of wrecked cop cars thrown in for good measure. It seemed like you were having fun with your "less-than-leathal" weapons trying to maintain the appearance of law and order, but everyone who was on the streets Monday knows we had the run of the town. And although some of us are going to have to deal with your legal system for months or years to come, it's fair to say that we earned the best televised moment: when that cop got body-slammed trying to arrest some random kid, you gotta admit it made us look pretty good. And whoever that guy is, he's obviously pretty bush league, so don't give him anything more complicated than a coffee machine for the next few years.

Along those lines and in the spirit of friendly competition, we'd like to offer you some advice based on our observations these past few weeks. Ya know, just to make sure we all learn something from this experience.

To start with, your guys in riot gear were constantly fumbling with their water bottles. The little pouch the bottles were kept in was clearly hard to access in all that Storm Trooper shit. Next time, go with something simple, like a Velcro strap or whatever. It was just ridiculous seeing all those black-clad Stay-Puff Marshmallow Men paralyzed by their own water bottles. Work on that.

Second, it's hard to tell with the riot cops—although their chronic lethargy hinted at it—but if the rest are anything like the bike patrol, you guys really need to hit the gym. You're going up against anarchists. You've gotta at least know how to ride a bicycle to intimidate us. When we saw those goofballs shuffling around in ultra tight short-shorts attempting to maintain their balance on ill-fitting bicycles, we couldn't hold it in. Don't police have athletic leagues? Think about practicing the basics: coordination and teamwork. Think about something other than bowling.

Third, we really didn't think it was possible for a Black Bloc to out-maneuver metropolitan cops in their hometown these days, but you guys proved us wrong. When we were ripping apart Macy's and shit, you guys were nowhere in sight. It was crazy! Whenever we came upon a lone cop (except for the hero mentioned above) we thought they were going to soil their starchy-ass uniforms and start sobbing into their radios. Where did you get these people? They just ran the fuck away from their cars and didn't even hang around to watch us smash all the windows and slash the tires. It's only fun with worthy opposition!

Fourth, don't let the National Guard do all your dirty work; it makes you look like a bunch of wimps. What other police department has had to call in the National Guard to put down two hundred unarmed demonstrators? For real, that's just pathetic. Maybe you bovines should just leave all the real work to the National Guard in the future so you can just focus on junk-food and the "clicker".

Fifth, you need to have a little chitchat with Bob Fletcher. The dude has a serious ego, and he let it get the better of his police work. We won't go into details, but he tipped his hand during the course of some conversations and it helped us figure out who the informants were. And while Bob was undoubtedly rubbing his sweaty balls while giving himself a prostate massage later that night, his informants probably weren't so relaxed. Their identities are now public, and while we would never condone doing anything nasty, there's going to be a lot of pissed-off felons looking for someone to blame in the near future. Not such a sharp move, Bob.

Sixth, bad move targeting the locals. Those are the folks with the most amount of support. Way to successfully radicalize several enormous communities. Our friends in the Twin Cities put in a lot of work and made a lot of lasting friendships preparing logistics for this protest, and that work brought them closer to an incredibly wide circle of sympathizers. When you prey on one of us, everyone goes on the defensive. You've sure got your hands full now.

We hope that this critical analysis of our time together will help you reflect on the whole crazy experience that was the RNC. Those were wild times — weren't they? — but we know that we've come out stronger. How 'bout you?

Sincerely,
The Irrepressible Anarchists

P.S. If the impending lawsuits eat through your brutality insurance, we'll accept community service!

[original article]

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